some musings

i wrote this entry yesterday at my room, :) since i dont have internet there, i try to write my thoughts and post it once i have the means to connect to the internet :) 

the man who cant be moved..

This morning, I had the pleasure of watching a teenage flick with the most popular teenage actor and actress butting it out in a seemingly superficial past of their elders and put idiosyncratically in their own timeline of historicity.

As I watch the movie, I can’t help but remember the past age of my youth when I felt it for the first time, and I thought it was forever. Things pass and new things surface like the journey on a pilgrimage. You become a better man not because of the decisions you made but the journey with people and places where you have been. Until now, the pain and longing still lingers like that of the first morning you knew  what life was. It was magic, it was nightmare, it was rainbow, it was a storm. As I turn the pages back, I want to stay forever with her holding those warm hands that listened with intently to the pulse of my life; her’s. I want to walk again our path, retracing it  to the first glance she captured my soul in my eyes. I want to claim my heart beat, I want to claim my heart, I want to redeem my soul from the tyranny and ecstasy of her presence. I remember the night I held her in my body, I can listen to her breath and my soul lost its meaning. She captured me in my weakness yet made me strong to face my own shadow. Perhaps, I am just hysterical or dreaming of what I found and how I lost it in my love for her. It’s been a while since I last saw her eyes, that was the last time I saw myself too. I drifted away with so many a lover afterwards, asking them where I am after the midnight sun, but it’s too late. My innocence was deemed damned when I lost her touch, like a melody in the song without any time signature. I tried to race with time, but time was already yesterday. I am now alone, yet redeemed by that glance, broken by the wound but healing others, broken to pieces although I am my own story.

I can’t be moved, but I am always in my step towards the greater call. I looked back and there’s her smile, the rainbow of my own redemption leaving me behind in the dark valley of my own solitude. When she told me that I brought the worst in her, I too was damned twice. But I love her, and she loved me not. I stayed in the corner of the street, thinking if she will think of me,  I will be there waiting where she left me thousand years ago.

New Year, Old Me!

Somehow, the past year has been a roller coaster ride for me, and it was not easy as some of that emotions went online. I do not regret it, but somehow it challenged me to see my priorities and reflect how I manage stress and the avenues available where I can bent my self!

Time flies so fast, and the semester is almost over. Won’t you believe it, I am still adjusting myself in this new kind of life. Sadly, our superior told us in a meeting that there’s no more space for a new guy. I agree, after spending almost eight months inside, I have learned to start a routine, a schedule for myself and my life in the community. But still, I have so many things to learn and understand in the community. I am entering a small culture of community where I should adapt, manage and somehow go beyond surviving. And I think I am correct on this reflection as the past months proved to be a testing ground for my ability to cope up with the demands of such a life and community.

Perhaps, that is the reason the house is named, house of formation – a home where we are formed and molded into something different from our old self. I need to unlearn my learned behavior and adapt physically, emotionally, and spiritually to a life I have embraced voluntarily. I am happy with my decision to enter, and no one forced me to pursue this life that I have right now. I am only following the Will of God which I have discerned in my life. Thus so far, I thank Him for this adventure and journey with my brothers and sisters in the Eudist Way of life.

fucked up

im so fucked up these days, and i am lost.

perhaps this is the meaning when somebody told me, “welcome to the jungle!”

i have no one to lean to, and i am depressed.

perhaps this is the time to say goodbye?

fight or flight, ian? what’s in it for you?

i don’t deserve this, the outside world has been more kinder to me.

where’s mercy and compassion that they proudly proclaim?

perhaps that’s how it is to belong

perhaps i dont belong

perhaps i am not meant to be

perhaps its a good day to die